If I Could
by GemmaXoxo
Summary: After a one night stand Constance gets pregnant. Aged just 18 she decides to give the baby up, desperate to be an author she uses the experience to write a book which becomes a best seller. Now with money and some fame she wants Maura back but can she get her back after all that's happened?
1. Chapter 1

To say she was nervous would be the understatement of the century. Constance anxiously waited to be called to the stand in the graduation room. It was the moment she had been waiting for her whole life. Sat in front of her was Paddy Doyle the one everyone classed as the local bad boy. Even though he had a bad reputation there was something about him that intrigued Constance, maybe it was his ocean blue eyes and wicked smile or the way he could charm his way through anything. Her heart would melt every time she saw him, he had a rough and readiness about him which excited the younger woman. He was ten years her senior but it really didn't seem to bother the classy and confident brunette.

As Constance admired Paddy a loud voice bellowed down the room startling the young woman and a few other people in the process. "Paddy Doyle please come to the stand to collect your certificates." the man behind the small wooden stand peered over his lowered black glasses and waited for the young man to make his way to the stand. Paddy proudly stood up in front of everyone and marched his way down the room. He glanced over at the younger woman who was smiling like a naughty school girl. Paddy wanted to impress her and he wanted to prove to people that he didn't always live up to his bad reputation.

He stepped onto the stand narrowing his eyes towards the brunette and her focus remained on him as well. The man at the stand shook Paddy's hand firmly and handed him a rolled up piece of paper. The young man was sure of himself and he pulled his hat off and tossed it into the crowd of people with a smug grin consuming his face. Constance found it refreshing how confident he was and it made her more attracted to him.

There was a few moments of silence while the man searched through the extensive list of peoples names as Paddy made his way back to his seat. The next name on the list was Constance isles and this was finally her opportunity to steal the spotlight.

"Constance Isles, please make your way to the stand." the young woman could feel her stomach churning with nerves and it didn't help that Paddy was still admiring her.

Constance elegantly made her way up to the stand and she tried to relax herself as she didn't want to cause an embarrassment in front of some many people. The man handed her the paper like he did with Paddy and shook her hand. The young woman felt a sense of pride and she was thrilled that she achieved one of her main goals in life.

Paddy smiled at the brunette from a distance as she happily reciprocated the same response. She made her way back down to her seat as Paddy's eyes followed hers. The older man moved himself next to Constance and quietly whispered in her ear

"Will I see you at the graduation after party later?" His hot breath sent shivers down her spine and she nodded her head in response.

The music was blearing throughout the graduation hall, the vibrations from the speakers could be felt through the floor and there were a few people that were stumbling around where they had started on the drink quite early. Constance stood by the bowl of punch patiently waiting for Paddy to enter the room in his normal fashion. As the DJ switched between different genres of music he played one of the brunettes favourite songs all she needed now was for Paddy to take her hand and offer to dance with her.

The older man strolled into the party as soon as he saw Constance standing there in solitude he made his way over to surprise her. The younger woman was staring into space and the older man placed his hand in her eyes catching her off guard slightly. Constance twisted herself around and when she saw who it was standing in front of her she was delighted by the sight of Paddy.

He looked deep into her aqua coloured eyes and offered to dance "Hello Constance, its nice to see you again, I have to say you looked beautiful at the graduation and I was wondering if you would like to have this dance with me." The dark-haired woman's cheek blushed a deep shade of red as she accepted his offer "Hello Paddy, you look quite remarkable in that suit and I would love to have this dance with you."

The older man led her onto the dance floor and as he gently placed one hand around her petite waist his other hand interlocked with hers. Constance nuzzled her head into his broad shoulder and they slowly danced around the hall. Paddy could smell the floral scent of her perfume lingering on her pale skin.

Constance could feel herself loosening into Paddy's embrace and she enjoyed the feeling of his warm body pressed against her own. The dark haired woman brought her head up and moved in closer to Paddy so there was only inches between them. Her lips met his as she placed a soft kiss onto him, his eyes widening by the younger woman making the first advance.

Paddy deepened the kiss his tongue slowly massaging the dark haired woman's, making her moan into his mouth. The older reluctantly pulled away as he didn't want to go to far as he had respect for women especially Constance. The younger woman had a playful look in her eyes "how about you come back to my apartment Paddy, we will be more comfortable there." At first he wasn't sure what to say but he could see how much Constance really wanted him to go "If you sure that's what you want then I will." Constance was surprised by how much of a gentleman Paddy was and she couldn't quite understand why people classed him as having a bad reputation as in her eyes he was perfectly suitable.

Both of them sneaked their way out of the party and took the short walk to the apartment. The sky was a deep midnight blue and the stars were randomly scattered everywhere. Constance always found the beauty in everything and she embraced the feeling of a slight chill against her face.

Even though the journey was short the temperature seemed to drop in what seemed like a matter of minutes and constance could feel her teeth chattering together from the cold. Paddy removed his jacket from his shoulders and draped it over Constance even though it hung off her small frame she was grateful that he gave it to her.

After a few minutes they finally arrived at the apartment. Constance dug deep into her pocket and managed to find her key. The door had to be open with some force as it was prone to getting stuck. The apartment was small but well organised with few furnishings but Constance classed it as home. Paddy scanned around the apartment taking quite an interest to the paintings that were neatly hung on the wall. While the older man made himself comfortable on the some what small settee Constance put the kettle on. As she made her way back into the room Paddy gave her a warm smile and patted the sofa for her to join him.

She happily made herself comfortable next to Paddy "Did you do those paintings Constance or did you buy them?"

The younger woman chuckled to herself a bit "Of course I didn't buy them, I painted them myself its one of my main hobbies, something I get pleasure from on a regular basis, I also enjoy writing as well which I am hoping to pursue as a career-" Constance realised she was rambling on; something she did often.

Paddy laughed to himself "No don't be silly I like listening to your stories."

"I'm sure you have much more interesting things to be listening to." as she looked into his deep blue eyes. She rose from her seat and switched on the jukebox the slow hum of music filled the room and relaxed both of them. The younger woman made her way back next to Paddy and cuddled up closer to him. Paddy placed his arm around constance wrapping it tightly around her waist.

His lips met with hers indulging in a passionate kiss. Constance could feel her heart racing as Paddy slowly slid his hand towards her sex. Her hand caressed the older man's face as she deepened the kiss wrapping her tongue around his, their bodies becoming warmer and the feelings intensifying. The dark haired woman took his hand and guided him to her bedroom. The sheets were a dark crimson and the curtains were darkened which made the room more sensual. Constance pulled Paddy onto the bed and they carried on kissing intensely.

Constance flopped to the bed after a evening of ultimate pleasure. She smiled to herself as the faint sound of music drifted through her ears and she slowly closed her eyes; sleep trying to pull her into the dark abyss.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning sunlight managed to creep its way through the darkened curtains brightening up the dingy room. Constance slowly roused herself from the deep slumber that she was in and rolled over somewhat confused about the details of last night. Her heart sank when she noticed that Paddy was gone and that was probably the last time she was going to see him.

Her hair was in a tangled mess of curls and she had a headache from some of the alcohol that was consumed the night before. The young woman wasn't much of a drinker and a glass of wine was enough to give her a bad head. She managed to muster enough energy to pull herself from the luxury of her bed and dragged herself into the kitchen. She was wearing a cream silk nightie that she chose from her wardrobe and her make up had worn off from the night before. The smell of paddy's aftershave still lingered in the air making constance miss him even more. The young woman knew her main priority was to try and get a job preferably in the publishing industry but she was hopeful of anything turning up.

Constance flicked on the kettle and patiently waited for it to boil. There was a cold chill in the air making the dark haired woman shiver. She rubbed her hands over her arms trying to maintain the little heat that she had. The kettle whistled loudly as constance grabbed herself a mug from the cupboard, the hot liquid streamed into the mug and the young woman nursed the mug between her cold fingertips. The apartment was deadly quiet and the neighbours weren't ones for making much noise which made the area quiet and sometimes lonely. Constance drank the remaining mouthful of her tea and rinsed it under the tap. The young woman rushed into the bathroom in the hope that a hot shower would warm her freezing body.

The bathroom was small with white tiles but it was always pristinely clean and everything had its place on neat little shelves. She pulled off her nightie letting it slide effortlessly off her shoulders. The tap made a gurgling noise before the hot droplets of water pelted down. The dark haired woman stepped in cautiously being careful not to slip. She embraced the feeling of the heated water against her skin and the steam accumulating over the shower door. She lathered the raspberry scented gel over her body and massaged the shampoo into her luscious curls. The sweet smell filled the room and her skin felt soft and fresh. After a few minutes the young woman stepped out and wrapped a white towel around herself and shook her hair down to wrap it in a towel.

She made sure her clothes were laid out on the bed as she didn't fancy standing naked in a freezing house for longer than necessary. She opted for a pair of plain black trousers with a white ruffled blouse and a black jacket. Constance ran her fingers through her hair removing the tangles and dried it off with a towel. It fell perfectly over her small shoulders and had plenty of volume to it.

The young woman hung the wet towels back in the bathroom and ran back in the bedroom to get dressed. She wasn't one for plastering make up on she preferred a more subtle look which to her was just foundation mascara and lipstick. As the young woman got dressed she sat in front of her mirror to check that she looked presentable. Happy with her choice of clothing constance applied her make up. A thin layer of pale foundation was applied which perfectly complemented her skin tone and the mascara help widen the look of her eyes. The lipstick was a pale pink which blended in nicely.

Constance checked her watch and saw it was only nine am so she had plenty of time to job hunt and frolic around town to keep herself entertained. As she made her way out of the apartment the warmth of the sun was on her back and there was a slight breeze which waved through her hair. The young woman sighed deeply and made her journey into town. Luckily her apartment was situated quite close to that area so it wouldn't take her hours to get there. As she passed the houses a few of the locals smiled at her and waved. After a short while she was in town and it was jam packed as she expected for a Saturday morning.

The young woman glanced around at the people who were in town and she noticed there was a small advert in a shop window. She wasn't sure what it was about but she crossed her fingers about it being a possible job opportunity. The dark haired woman briskly walked down to the window and took a deep breath before entering. There were a few turns of heads which she expected and sat at the office in the front was a older woman of a short stature, with honey blonde hair and intimidating deep blue eyes.

When she saw constance hanging around in the doorway she beckoned her over in a sharp tone. At a first glance she seemed quite terrifying. Constance nervously made her way to the other woman as the blonde stared deep into her eyes.  
"What can I do for you young lady? I have work to be getting on with so make it quick." constance swallowed hard before thinking of her response  
"Hello I'm constance isles, I saw you were offering a writers job in the window, its something I have always loved and have a passion for I was hoping you would consider me as a candidate. " Her voice was shaky but she wanted to come across confident.  
The older woman looked her up and down a sarcastic smirk came across her face "If you're being serious about this then I need to see some kind of reference and do you have any experience in this kind of field." the older woman was hoping she would have put her off but she was prepared and extremely determined.

Constance reached into her bag and pulled out the appropriate documents and handed them to the other woman "I believe that is everything a glowing reference, work experience and a outstanding knowledge of writing.  
The blond haired woman stared at her CV stunned by her credentials, the knowledge of two other languages French and German, months of experience and a creative writing degree.

"Well this is quite impressive Constance I must say, if you think your up for the job when can you start work." her tone was less intimidating which made the younger woman feel more at ease.  
The look of shock consumed her face, she was expecting such a great response "Of course I'm up for it, I can start tomorrow if that's good for you." her voice was full of confidence. The blonde woman kept a stern expression ans shook the dark haired woman's hand congratulating her on the new job ans welcoming her to the team.

Constance still couldn't quite believe what had just happened. It seemed like her dreams were finally coming true even without Paddy by her side. Constance made her way out of the office with a delighted but slightly smug look on her face; she wanted to prove to people that she could make it and that she would be successful. The young woman made her way back to her apartment to get everything sorted for her first day at her new job ans she wanted to make a good impression to the older woman as she didn't seem to take much of a liking to Constance to begin with.

As she made her way up the stairs to her apartment a large partly wrinkled hand grabbed her shoulder and squeezed it with some force. Constance froze in shock as she recognised that grip and the memories of her childhood came flooding back to her.  
"Hello Constance my love, I cant remember the last time we spoke you look great, my beautiful daughter." the deepened voice resonated through her ears and the memories that she had shoved to the back of her mind for as long as she could remember were slowly resurfacing.  
Constance turned round to face her father a man she certainly didn't want contact with. As she expected his hair was in a thick greasy mess and the shirt he had been wearing looked like it hadn't been off in at least a week, constance felt repulsed by the sight of him. Her mother was no different either she allowed the abuse to carry on which could have ruined her childhood but she didn't let it ruin the rest of her life as well.

"What are you doing here, how did you find my address, I haven't forgotten what happened when I was a child and I was so young, what kind of monster does that." the words thumbed their way out of her mouth and she could feel the hatred she had been hiding for years.  
"Constance that's no way to speak to your old dad, cant we forget what happened and move on." there was almost sincerity in his voice but the younger woman wasn't fooling for that.  
"NO! You were meant to be the person that protected me from things like that, not to be the sick bastard that did it, I will never forgive you, your dead to me." Constance hissed

The grey haired man looked into her greeny blue eyes and could see the anger that she was burdening and he could sense from her tone that she was still bitter about everything that happened. Constance quickly forced the door open and rushed inside. Before she could shut the door a large foot was shoved in between the door frame. Stepping into the house she could feel his hot breath running down her neck and his disgusting rough hands touching her face. Just the thought of being that close to him again was enough to make her feel sick. She tried to pull away from his tightened grip but she could feel his large hands wrapping around her mouth, a scream tried to escape from her lungs but nothing could come out.

Constance eyes widened as she feared what he would do to her. He may have been a pensioner but he had a much larger stature than the younger woman which he used to his advantage. The older man dragged the dark haired woman into the apartment and checked that no one could witness what was happening. He slammed the door behind him and threw his daughter onto the sofa. The older man could see the terror in his daughters eyes which seemed to spur him on even more. He lowered his heavy body onto hers and she could feel the weight of him crushing her chest. She knew it would take a lot to fight him off but she wasn't going to let him win not this time.

He ran his hand over her soft pale skin and whispered in her ear "remember this; its like the good old days again."  
Constance felt sick to the pit of her stomach and the flashbacks of the past kept resurfacing in her memory. "What do you want from me? Why couldn't you have just left me alone they should have locked you up and thrown away the key a long time ago."  
He took a few moments to admire the true beauty of his daughter he was always fascinated by her intelligence and she certainly used to attract a lot of male attention which almost made her father jealous. Constance could feel the pressure of his body mounting onto hers and the smell of stale cigarettes lingered on his breath.

The older man moved his face closer to hers with only a small space between them. Constance swallowed hard and looked around for the nearest sharp object. She could feel her heart racing and the fear was almost consuming her nearly freezing her body on the spot, but she knew she had to fight that feeling if she had any chance of escaping his clutches. The younger woman mustered all the energy she could manage and she forced him off her pushing him to the ground before he could do anything else to her. Constance frantically manoeuvred herself into the kitchen and rifled through the cupboard for something to heavy to knock him unconscious. She grabbed a empty jam jar and clasped it between her hands. The older man slowly pulled himself off from the floor and was angered by his daughters little outburst.

He waddled over to the young woman and tried to grab her arm but she was prepared this time, the glass jar smacked onto his head with brutal force and he was knocked to the ground. Luckily she hadn't killed him but it was enough to knock him to the ground. Constance stepped away from his grotesque body and was in a state of panic, she called the police and explained what happened.

"Hello I need the police and an ambulance as fast as you can." her voice was shaky and full of fear.  
"Okay, but I'm going to need you to calm down please madam, what happened exactly?"  
"My father who used to abuse me when I was younger followed me into my apartment and tried to assault me, out of self defence I hit him over the head, he's still breathing but he's unconscious at the moment."  
"Okay mam, we will be with you as soon as we can, just hold on tight."  
"Thank you."

A loud siren whistled its way through the neighbourhood and constance could see the familiar blue lights flashing outside of her apartment. A rush of relief surged over her she knew she was finally free from her animal of a father. A stampede of people charged into the apartment, a paramedic rushed over to her father while the police stood by ready to arrest him. A young officer in his mid 20s placed a hand on her shoulder in reassurance and made sure she wasn't hurt "are you alright madame? We've been trying to find your father for quite sometime so we can register him as a sex offender and a paedophile."  
"I'm fine just a bit shaken up form it all, but thank you for the concern."  
The officer smiled warmly at the young lady as they removed her father from her apartment and chucked him into the back of the police car,

As soon as the police left Constance felt numb and even though she concealed her fear the horrors of her childhood still remained.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

As she turned over the sound of the alarm buzzed in her ear and there was a dull aching sensation in her lower back, something she had been feeling for the last week. Constance reluctantly stretched over and haphazardly pressed her finger on the alarm trying her best to mute it for just a bit longer.

After a few minutes the familiar sound repeated itself and Constance knew she would have to get up soon. Slowly pulling herself out of bed the young woman rubbed her hand over her sore back and her body ached with the feeling of sickness filling her stomach. Constance hurried herself to the bathroom and lifted the toilet seat propping herself close to it.

She threw up down the toilet and her face drained from a pale pink to a ghostly white. Her first thought was it must have been food poisoning and she would have to ring in sick as she was in no state to go to work. After flushing the toilet the young woman dragged herself out of the bathroom and carried a small bowl with her just in case it was going to happen again. The young woman gradually made her way over to the phone and dialled the office number; she could just about hold her body up. As the phone rang someone finally decided to answer.

"Hello its Constance I'm really sorry but I won't be able to make it to work today, I can't stop being sick and me feel really unwell, I should be back before the end of the week."

"That's fine Constance you can't help being ill, I hope your better soon and I will see you soon."

The dark haired woman was quite surprised by that response but she was grateful that they understood. "Thank you, see you soon."

The young woman placed the phone back in the holder and made her way over to the sofa. As she laid herself down on the softened couch her head was spinning and she clutched her painful stomach. The only person she wanted with her was Paddy but she knew that wasn't going to be an option. Constance reached for her phone and texted Claire to see if she could come over to offer her some comfort and care.

She mustered enough energy to send a short text to her best friend "Hello Claire, I feel terrible I could really do with some company if you fancy it?"

Almost instantly the other woman replied "Hello Constance, of course I can I will come over with a hot water bottle and a duvet so I can spend the day with you."

A small smile crept over the dark haired woman's face as she waited for her friend to turn up. Claire made her way up the stairs and opened the door to the apartment as she knew Constance kept a spare key under the mat and by the sounds of it she was in no fit state to be getting up. As she approached the young woman she looked in shock at the state of her "God what happened, you look bloody awful, it's a good job I brought a duvet and a hot water bottle, and you need plenty of water and rest."

"Thanks Claire, I knew I could rely on you for the wonderful compliments."

Both women smiled and Claire lifted up the other woman's legs and made herself comfortable on the sofa. Claire handed the hot water bottle to Constance, which she gladly received and placed over her tender stomach. The duvet draped over her and made her feel more relaxed.

"Do you have any idea why you're so ill Constance?" The young woman asked in a concerned tone. "I think I might have eaten something bad. I'm not really sure to be perfectly honest."

Claire's eyes narrowed onto the other woman's face "Constance I don't mean to be speaking out of turn or anything in that sense but have you ever considered you might be pregnant, you have the symptoms and it has been a few weeks since you slept with Paddy."

Constance eyes widened at the prospect "Don't be absurd Claire, I can't be pregnant it must be food poisoning" Claire didn't look convinced and she could sense her friend was worried by the thought of that possibility.

Claire placed her hand on the other woman's and moved closer to her to try and reassure her that whatever the outcome was going to be that she would help support her and she wouldn't let her struggle.

"Constance lets think realistically, say if you were pregnant and decided to keep the baby I would move in and I would help support you I wouldn't let you go at this alone especially if Paddy wasn't interested in helping."

As much as she hoped it wasn't true Constance was willing to take a pregnancy test to find out the outcome either way. "Okay If you buy me a test I will do it to see if I am or not but I really don't have the energy to venture out, if that's alright with you." Claire looked at her friend as if to say she understood and quickly nipped out to buy the test for her friend. Constance knew the right thing to do was to ring Paddy to let him know that she could possibly be carrying his child whether he was interested or not.

The young woman dialled the number and anxiously waited for a reply. In the back of her mind she hoped that he would show some sort of interest but her gut instinct was something entirely different. After listening to the phone ringing numerous times he finally answered, the sound of his deepened voice excited the young woman slightly. "Hello Paddy its Constance there is something important I need to tell you and I need your full attention." Her tone was assertive and Paddy could tell it was something urgent

"Hello Constance, I was expecting to hear from you again what is so important that you need to tell me about?"

"I don't know the outcome of the test yet but I could possibly be carrying your child, I need to know if you're going to support me and this baby or just leave your responsibilities and be a coward about it."

The older man paused in silence he knew he couldn't cope with a baby and the night with Constance was only meant to be a one night thing, he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath before replying to the young woman.

"I'm sorry Constance but I can't be a part of that baby's life or our life for that matter, I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility and if I'm being honest to you it's nothing I have ever considered, and something I don't want to consider."

Constance could feel the instant rage towards him and she couldn't believe how stupid she had been for getting involved with him "you bastard, you're a selfish coward that can't face up to your responsibilities, I couldn't care less if I never saw you again."

The young woman slammed the phone down onto the sofa and broke down in tears. If the test was positive she couldn't bear the thought of having an abortion but the thought of having a child to look after terrified her.

A couple of minutes Claire made her way through the door with the test in her right hand and a box of tissues in the other. Claire made her way over to the sofa and she could see the other woman's eyes were red and puffy with trails of mascara running down her cheek. Claire sat herself next to Constance and placed her hand in hers and offered her a tissue to cry into.

"What's happened Constance? I'm guessing you spoke to paddy."

"Yes I did and like I expected he isn't interested he doesn't care about me and he doesn't care if I'm carrying his child or not, Claire what am I going to do if the test is positive?" Her eyes filled with tears again and she could feel a lump forming in her throat making it hard for her to utter the words.

"Constance why don't you take the test then you will know what the outcome is and you can make a decision from there." Claire smiled warmly at her friend and helped her up into the bathroom.

Claire opened up the box and handed the test to the younger woman. Claire stood outside the bathroom pacing up and down the hallway waiting to find out the result while Constance patiently waited for the test to come up with a result.

After a couple of minutes the dark haired woman stared deeply into the test and much to her shock the test was positive she was 3 weeks pregnant. She wanted to feel the way most people would; excited and happy but all she could feel was hurt and pain.

The other woman tapped on the door and Constance called for her to enter. Claire knew instantly what the result was just by the look of pure desperation on her friends face. She moved in closer to the dark haired woman and perched herself on the edge of the bath next to her. She wrapped her arm around her and pulled her in close. Constance placed her head on Claire's bony shoulder and thought about what she was going to do next.

"What are you going to do now you know the result of the test?" Claire tried to reassure her friend that everything was going to be fine

"I can't bring myself to abort the baby, just because Paddy was a complete asshole doesn't mean I should take away the chance of making something good out of this terrible situation."

"Well if you want to I could move in with you and I could help you through the pregnancy and we could raise the baby together, I can't let you go through this alone." Constance smiled at her friend and gladly accepted the offer. They had been best friends for years and they promised to support each other through the struggles of life.

Claire took her friends hand and helped her back into the living room and sat her back on the sofa with a cushion propped behind her back. The dark haired woman patted the sofa for her friend to join her and she cuddled up close to her and could feel the warmth of her body next to her own.

Claire gently rested her hand on her friend's seemingly flat stomach and looked into her greeny blue eyes and smiled. The dark haired woman placed her hand just above her friends and smiled to herself.

"You're going to be a great mother Constance; I can just feel it, you're caring nature and your impressively good looks will definitely be passed onto the baby and you'll need to book yourself in for a scan soon to make sure everything is alright."

"Thank you Claire, I want you to be this baby's godmother and I will book a scan for tomorrow morning."

Claire's eyes lit up in excitement and she was so pleased that Constance asked her to be godmother. She threw her arms around the other woman and squeezed her tightly but making sure she didn't apply to much pressure.


End file.
